An interesting look into the lives of a couple who almost split, but thanks to the refusal of the wife were able to stay together. This mid-life crisis things is something all couples who make it that long inevitably face in one form or another but I suppose how you chose to meet it and handle it will determine whether you make it for the long haul or not.

On Education:

Me “Screw it. I’ll just send our kids to Jew School.”

Him “No. Two things are going to happen. One- our kids are going to Catholic School. Two- I’m going to fuck you in the ass. Actually, that’s the same thing I just want you to know how our kids are going to feel.”

On Diet:

Me “I can’t have so much alcohol. I’m trying to stay skinny.”

Him “Well I’m trying to stay sober but that’s not going to happen either, is it?”

On work:

Me “How did your meeting go?”

Him “I fucking handled it. Signed and sold.”

Me “You had a few drinks, didn’t you?”

Him “Sometimes you gotta sell some shit.”

On our neighbor:

Me “If I have to hear this goddamn electronic sitar on our street corner one more time I’m going to go out there with a hammer and smash his amp in.”

Him “Or we could just buy a ton of water balloons and go to town.” (yelling out window) “Can I hear some ‘Paint it black’?!?” “Prime time. Grab the balloons- let’s go!”

On Dessert:

Him “I bought you a bottle of each. Nevermind. A bottle for you and a bottle for me.”

WORD. Doesn’t make sense? Doesn’t matter. It does to us.

The final nail in the coffin of the old job, though, had nothing to do with where I was working, but with someone I was working with. I was unfortunately sexually assaulted by a coworker. I was relatively lucky in that I walked away with only bruises and emotional distress, but even after it was escalated to HR and they fired him I couldn’t bring myself to go to that office anymore. It was essentially, the last straw. I wasn’t the only one he’s attacked, apparently, as afterwards people started coming forward and telling me he had a “reputation” and that this wasn’t the first time. It sucks that in corporations HR hushes people up for confidentiality reasons and people can just go on being repeat offenders. I’m actually not the only reason they fired him. Apparently he had an altercation with a client around the same time frame that my incident happened and the client asked that he be taken off their business. Talk about a liability. So the company let him go. I know from various sources he told people he quit, which also infuriates me. To be so brazen and then to get to walk around lying about it is bullshit, but I can’t control that. I can only move on.

The husband has been incredibly supportive. You never know how you’re going to react to a situation like that, and the truth is it gets me down. Sometimes I get angry and sometimes I get sad, but I’m just trying to forget about it and go on with my career and life. The new job helps because it is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC and I love everyone I work with. So far all of my clients are great, the projects are interesting, the hours are sane and my commute is only about 15 minutes door-to-door. What more could you ask for? Oh yes, that month of paid vacation time. Right.

I didn’t come here talk about work, though, I came here to talk about housewifing. Specifically, housewifing during the holidays. This year I hosted Thanksgiving for the FIRST. TIME. EVER.

Let me tell you, it’s not as scary as people make it out to be. Partially because I realized that I am uber competitive. Not against other people, just against myself. As someone who is trying to learn to cook, works in an aesthetic industry, and reads far too many homemaking blogs, I’ve realized that when I set out to tackle something as pressure-laden as Thanksgiving dinner I need it to be PERFECT. With a capital P.

I mapped out the meal weeks in advance, scoured stores for the perfectly gold place settings, learned a new napkin fold and custom designed menus which I placed in each napkin with a fresh flower on top. Obsessive much? Maybe just a little. I didn’t realize how much until I tackled the Great American Holiday. It couldn’t be a cookie-cutter meal either. I had to have gluten-free, dairy-free, nightshade-free dietary-need-accomodating dishes artfully placed among my gold-flocked-pinecones. Don’t hate… everyone needs something to be proud of.

There’s this whole resurgence of home-making in younger women’s circles I’ve completely fallen victim to. By way of white truffle oil and quince paste, the hand-written invitation and the home-made dessert. I must attempt it. I’m compelled. By what force I’m not sure, but I think it comes from my love of design. Seriously- my whole need for housewifing is really about needing things to LOOK good. (Ok, and taste good).

It’s not like anyone is pressuring me to do this. John certainly isn’t, and my friends and family couldn’t care less what my home looks like. It’s me. I’m telling myself to get creative with the table-scape and make sure there are AT LEAST five cheeses of artisinal origin on the platter. Who am I competing against really, other than myself?

The holidays are the Olympics of Housewifing and DAMN. Have I been training. Gold medal status, right here. Too bad there aren’t really any medals for tablescapes and home decor (or are there…?).

If it wasn’t for those hours eaten up by work and things outside the home I could do this all the time. Oh, but wait, that would make me a real housewife. Not interested in that. Especially not now that I have the awesome job and I’ve been getting a lot of photography work on the side.

Always busy.

I guess I should just try to enjoy the holidays from a non-competition standpoint and slow down a bit before I launch into next year. Next year is going to be even crazier. But in a good way. And with gold napkins.

Dad’s PET scan revealed tumor growth and he got kicked out of his clinical trial. At least I know what’s going on, but it’s not good news.

Also found out one of my best friends just broke up with her fiance, they laid off some people at work today, and well… MEH is what I have to say to all of that.

That last one I’m only sort of joking about. I really have been trying carefully not to get pregnant because I don’t want kids for a few years but I’m in a place where if it happened it wouldn’t really matter. And it seems something is in the water because everyone I know is getting pregnant. John hints at it but I am so. not. ready.

Our apartment refresh is moving slower than I had hoped. Mostly because- you guessed it- work is crazy. For instance, John has been in LA every week lately for at least a day or two, and when he gets back in tonight we’ll have exactly one day together before I fly out Saturday morning for NYC for work. I wonder what it’s like to be in a marriage where you have infinite amounts of time with your spouse. Where you see them every day and spend every weekend completely with them and have to actually make a point to take time apart and see other people. I bet it’s delicious, but it might make you take them for granted. I never take John for granted…  and he seems to get more amazing all the time.

I think this is what they mean about your love growing deeper over time. If it’s possible you can fall MORE in love with someone the more time you spend with them because you’ve been through so much together. I sound awfully fucking sappy but that’s just how I feel lately. He rocks. Our lives rock and our marriage rocks.

This month we’ve done a bit of travelling, including a wedding in Seattle over the 4th of July and a big camping trip last weekend. Both allowed us to hang out with people we haven’t seen in years and relax a bit from our crazy jobs. In fact I think I’ve almost had enough R&R over the last few months to not feel stressed about work anymore. Things are sort of on the mend in terms of day to day functioning. As always, I am so vague in here because I don’t want anything in writing that’s searchable.

Wifing is going pretty well. I used to feel so isolated after I got married since 26 is so young to get married where I live and I was sort of the odd one out in this city of singles. I wasn’t sure what my place was in terms of my social scene as one of the few women who actually settled down. Two things have happened over the last three years to change that. One, is that a lot more people I know have gotten married and Two, is that I’ve become really comfortable in my role and I don’t care so much if no one else is in my boat.

John and I have really built our lives to look the way we want them despite the losing of a few friends. It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day emotions of not seeing someone anymore or having to deal with different problems like joint budgeting and trying to schedule time to see each other, but if I take a step back things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be. I always wondered about the phrase “building a life with someone.” but that’s really what it comes down to. You put things into place one at a time. You find the materials you need, you sketch up a plan and little by little you execute until you have a gorgeous castle to (or boat or loft or whatever) to sit in with your person and grow old together.

So here I am building. It’s satisfying work, for sure.

We

1) didn’t end up having to move out of our perfect SF apartment

2) took a cute last-minute anniversary trip to Hawaii

3) are both doing really well career-wise right now.

Today is the beginning of summer and I can feel the mood lightening up. Everything just feels so much happier than it did a month ago. John and I are seeing each other so much more right now then we usually get to and had a fabulous whirlwind vacation to Oahu where we were able to relax for the first time in a long while.

Our apartment is now getting an awesome spring makeover- paint, new carpet, some new furniture, rearranging and deep cleaning love. I was really depressed a month ago because I thought we were going to have to move and I love our neighborhood and apartment. It’s so difficult to find a good place in San Francisco and even harder with a dog, so I really didn’t want to relocate after only a year here. This area is my absolute favorite in the city and we can walk to four parks, go hiking, eat at countless restaurants, shop at four organic groceries and get to work easily all within a few blocks of our home.

As a couple who also downsized from a house to an apartment, I find it surprisingly easier to live in a smaller space. It’s much less stressful for me to clean an apartment and I’ve really been enjoying going to the park as opposed to having a yard. The past year has taken a lot of stress off in that area, while I’ve been piling it on in the other area of work. I can’t imagine if I was still attempting to flip a house while working the hours I have over the last eight months.

Things I love about our apartment?

Hardwood floors, twelve foot ceilings, working fireplace, bedroom big enough for a king bed, guest bedroom, quirky Victorian architecture, built in floor-to-ceiling glass bookshelves, skylights in the bathroom, dog friendly, and of course the location. I would say once you throw in the fact that we have parking, this place pretty much rocks our world. And I have a love of our ‘hood that’s bordering on obsession.

On the work front John is expanding again and I’ve got two new bosses that I really like so things are looking up. I also get about five emails a week from people recruiting me for other jobs, so even knowing there is a lot of work out there if I decide not to stay put is reassuring.

Marriage year three started a little low but things are on the up and up. I can’t wait to see what the next few months have in store for us.

Just like last year- I’ve given up alcohol, caffeine, sugar, processed food, gluten, dairy, corn, soy, nightshades, bananas, oranges, strawberries and grapes. I started meditating, hiking, saying no to working late a few nights a week and overextending myself.

The difference is remarkable. I lost ten pounds in one week and perked up. I’m about three weeks into this plan right now and my mood has done a 180. John and I have been getting along fantastically and I don’t feel so stressed about my work situation. (Of course there have been some contributing changes on that front, but every little bit helps).

It’s kind of amazing how depressed you can get just from diet and things in your life. And that you can also actively turn them around that quickly. Whoever said anti-depressants were the answer doesn’t know about these other quick fixes.

Not sure what I’m going to do about my job, still. I’m weighing my options. I have a bunch of freelance offers and if I’m not feeling right about work by next month I’m probably going to go back to freelancing. Sometimes I miss it. I think ultimately being a full-time freelancer suits the commitment-averse nature I have. I’m being conservative about my decision, though.

Work, aside, our three year wedding anniversary is in three weeks and John called me yesterday to tell me we’re going to Hawaii again! That’s a last minute surprise that will be fun and man… do I need a vacation. For all the adventurous trips I like to take, I feel like occasionally I really do just want to lie on a beach and veg out.

I can’t believe we’ve been married for three years. WTF? It feels like it just flew by. Pretty soon it will be five years, then ten…. then 25 and I’ll throw a huge fuck-all vow renewal with all of our friends and it will be amazing.

Relationships are always an ebb and flow and marriages can’t be 100% perfect all of the time, but when you neglect them- shit… do they sure take a dive. I feel like a lot of it is my fault. I’m unhappy with work and it’s easy to take out your woes on the person you’re closest to. But repeat after me, “Husband is not a punching bag.”

I’m not mean, just probably bringing my negativity home a lot. And given that our minutes together at the end of the day are few and precious, I’m not exactly maximizing them. He pointed this out in what might be our second real fight ever. It lasted all of two hours and ended with me realizing just how depressed I’ve been the past few months. Not due to my marriage, but due to life and what is most certainly my family’s legacy. Chemical imbalances run in my family as prevalent as baby girls (and no one’s had a son in about three generations).

I decided to take my frustrations out on someone other than my undeserving husband and hired a therapist. Just for me- not for the two of us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my marriage other than I’m so angry and frustrated at so many things in my life outside of it right now I’m picking it apart. Need to stop that.

Even after one meeting I feel better, and I’m glad because judging by the increasingly toxic situations I’m in, I’m going to need it. What to extract myself from first? The apartment that didn’t work out? The job that makes me often sick to my stomach? So many places to start.

Then yesterday, I got a last minute request to have dinner from my dad. I grabbed John after work and met my dad and his wife for a somewhat somber dinner where they informed us his chemo had been unsuccessful and they couldn’t do it any longer. They’ve moved him into a clinical trial. I’m sure we ruined other people’s meals, talking about infusions of drugs and side effects and medical courses of action.

My dad will talk loosely about what’s going on mechanically, but never give too much detail about the personal side. When he got up to use the restroom I looked at his wife and asked, “So this treatment… we’re just buying time, aren’t we?” Her eyes filled with tears for a minute and she nodded.

Then she straightened up and said, “So if your sister wants to say goodbye, she’d better do it now.”

So that reality sunk in like another ton of bricks.

Maybe this clinical trial buys him a lot of time, or maybe it doesn’t. There’s no way to know.

John is excellent at dealing with this. He just holds my hand and lets me cry. He is one of the most empathetic people I’ve ever met. Those perfectly right phrases are just part of how he speaks to me. Suddenly, all of the other nitpicky things we’ve been frustrated over became so trivial and I can clearly see how amazing it is to have a person like him by your side in a time like this.

For all of the flaws I believe marriage can have and all of the ways it’s a ton of work, I think the safe feeling you have after being caught when you fall apart makes it worth it.

Also, when the hormones are so crazy I make John pull over on the side of the freeway and have sex with me in the car- hmmm maybe that’s a problem.

Or maybe it’s not.